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The End... Or Is It? [Jul. 29th, 2004|03:07 pm]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |The Silence Has Settled In]

Having lost life; no longer alive.
Marked for certain death; doomed: was marked as a dead man by the assassin.

Having the physical appearance of death: a dead pallor.
Lacking feeling or sensitivity; numb or unresponsive: Passersby were dead to our pleas for help.
Weary and worn-out; exhausted.

Not having the capacity to live; inanimate or inert.
Not having the capacity to produce or sustain life; barren: dead soil.

No longer in existence, use, or operation.
No longer having significance or relevance.
Physically inactive; dormant: a dead volcano.

Not commercially productive; idle: dead capital.
Not circulating or running; stagnant: dead water; dead air.

Devoid of human or vehicular activity; quiet: a dead town.
Lacking all animation, excitement, or activity; dull: The party being dead, we left early.
Having no resonance. Used of sounds: “One characteristic of compact discs we all can hear is dead sound. It may be pure but it has no life” (Musical Heritage Review).
Having grown cold; having been extinguished: dead coals; a dead flame.
Lacking elasticity or bounce: That tennis ball is dead.
Out of operation because of a fault or breakdown: The motor is dead.

Sudden; abrupt: a dead stop.
Complete; utter: dead silence.
Exact; unerring. the dead center of a target.
Sports. Out of play. Used of a ball.

Lacking connection to a source of electric current.
Drained of electric charge; discharged: a dead battery.

One who has died: respect for the dead.
The period exhibiting the greatest degree of intensity: the dead of winter; the dead of night.

Absolutely; altogether: You can be dead sure of my innocence.
Directly; exactly: There's a gas station dead ahead.
Suddenly: She stopped dead on the stairway.

dead and buried
No longer in use or under consideration: All past animosities are dead and buried now.
dead in the water
Unable to function or move: The crippled ship was dead in the water. With no leadership, the project was dead in the water.
dead to rights
In the very act of making an error or committing a crime: The police caught the thief dead to rights with my silverware.

[Middle English ded, from Old English dad. See dheu-2 in Indo-European Roots.]
deadness n.
Synonyms: dead, deceased, departed, extinct, lifeless, inanimate
These adjectives all mean without life. Dead applies in general to whatever once hadbut no longer hasphysical life (a dead man; a dead leaf), function (a dead battery), or force or currency (a dead issue; a dead language). Deceased and departed refer only to nonliving humans: attended a memorial service for a recently deceased friend; looking at pictures of departed relatives. Extinct can refer to what has no living successors (extinct species such as the dodo) or to what is extinguished or inactive (an extinct volcano). Lifeless applies to what no longer has physical life (a lifeless body), to what does not support life (a lifeless planet), or to what lacks animation, spirit, or brightness (a lifeless performance; lifeless colors). Inanimate is most often limited to what has never had physical life: “The anchored gunboat simply would not sink. It evinced that unnatural stubbornness which is sometimes displayed by inanimate objects” (Stephen Crane).

I guess that's it.. the end to a long tale.. one I hoped would last a lot longer but it's out of my hands now.. if someone doesn't want to be with you.. you cannot change their mind.. "So now i'm home and waiting to be with jeffers. i miss him," heh.. yeah.. first it was PMS.. well she said it was PMS.. but now.. now that she's not telling me how happy she is with me and that she wants to be with me forever.. now that it's not yesterday.. it's all over.. so now what? I love her.. I don't know what to do without her.. call me lame.. call me whatever the fuck you want.. I love her with all my heart.. a relationship won't be perfect all the time.. but I guess in her eyes it wasn't perfect ever.. if I knew.. what happened between today and yesterday.. and I could figure out what fucking move I made that forced me to end up here.. I'd take it back.. I'd never have done it.. when you wanna be with someone til you pass away.. and they let on as if they have the same idea.. and to top it off.. they tell you that it should have been obvious they didn't want you anymore.. how the ruck do you respond to that? I don't have anything without her... she was my life.. and it shouldn't be like that.. but I screwed up.. I believed her yesterday.. she tells me she's PMSing.. what should I have done.. "LIAR!!! You hate me don't you!!" yeah.. I don't think anyone would take that approach.. so I'm alone.. I spent almost 11 months.. almost a year.. falling deeper and deeper in love with this person.. trying to get them to figure out how amazing they are.. for this.. what the fuck am I supposed to do with this? I've liked her since day one.. then by some insane chance we got together.. and.. my life was never better.. even when she was mad at me.. I could never look at her without smiling.. which was bad when she was angry cuz she'd just think I was being an asshole and get even angrier.. now I'm just lost.. I don't have any friends.. they're all fucking drug heads or in jail.. what the fuck do I do with that? bail my buddy out so I'll have someone? wtf is that? I already did that.. he was my homie.. friends help friends.. but he's just got shit for luck.. so now.. I'm just me.. I could call my sistrer but wtf.. don't get me wrong my sister is awesome.. but.. I guess.. I can just be dead now.. be dead to the outside world.. either work.. or sit in my room.. I can't even fucking afford school cuz both of my well off parents refuse to lend me a fucking dime.. my mom's excuse is that I have a roof over my head.. and my dad's just a fucking weasel.. I dunno what the hell happened there.. I always thought I could count on him before but fuck that.. he went back on all the shit he said.. so.. I'm out a father.. my mother won't help.. my heart is just gone.. what's the fucking point of living.. I wonder if she really thinks I'll be ok.. aure I thought about not being with her.. but that was a rare fucking thing.. I would never leave her.. I love her.. and as pathetic as it sounds I would have done anything for her.. but where did that get me? maybe I just got blind.. she told me I just don't know how to do what I used to do.. but she doesn't know what I used to do.. I used to beg and plead her to talk to me she she was upset.. I used to try and surprize her with gifts or random shit.. maybe I'm lacking.. maybe.. I'm too concerned with myself? maybe I'm selfish.. that's it.. everytime she's told me what's wrong.. cuz that's what ur supposed to do.. I would work on it.. I'd take it into deep consideration.. I treated her as best I could.. there's nothing else I can do.. and now.. I'm just alone.. same place I've always fucking been.. I really thought I found her.. now I don't believe in "the one" but.. I could have spent the rest of my life with her happily., but now that's gone.. I fucked up.. and I guess I've been fucking up because I should have known she didn't wanna be with me.. after the way she hugged me and looked at me and smiled everytime she saw me and told me how happy she was we were together.. all just a fucking lie.. maybe she tried to make herself believe it.. I know I did.. one thing I had with her.. among the others.. she supported me no fucking matter what.. if she thought it was dumb she'd try to ease me away from the idea.. but now all I have is my good old negative mom.. who always told me how dumb I was and how stupid my ideas were... so.. I really do have nothing.. well there's always drugs.. I could just do drugs and work my ass off.. but I don't wanna do drugs.. this isn't where I fall into a slum and revert back to my old days.. fuck that I have a lot of big fucking shit planned.. and Jean said she'd be with me through all of it.. I thought she meant it.. or maybe she did and maybe something just snapped today and she said fuck it.. I could have tried to make her stay.. but why? do you have any idea how many times.. I've had to fight for her to not leave me? you shouldn't have to fight.. she's worth it all.. all and any strife I went through over her.. was all worth it.. but now it's gone.. exactly what she promised it would never be
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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie.. [Jul. 24th, 2004|03:21 pm]
[mood |hothot]

ok.. hmm.. Jean had to go to work at 5 somethin this morning... wtf.. so now it's about 3:30pm.. and she's passed out on my bed.. I know I know.. I could TOTALLY take advantage of this.. but that's just wrong.. well.. until she woke up anyway :D so let's see.. Jean's asleep.. and I don't feel like playing my video games anymore for the time being.. I bought a generic remote for my new bigscreen tv.. since a remot didn't come with it.. including shipping.. it was just over $40.. and I found out my new tv has picture-in-picture.. but I haven't figured out how to control just one or the other.. oh well.. we'll see what happens right? I finally don't have to use my VCR to channel surf so my cartoons are clear now.. HOORAY! so uhh.. it's.. really fuckin' hot in my house.. my mama said the A/C is on.. but see.. when she turns it on.. she lowers the "cooler" bar but not the "hotter" bar.. so.. it waits till the house reaches 90º or maybe a lil over before it even kicks on.. so for whatever reason.. the adults here dunno how to use the A/C :D Jean just woke up and sed HEY!.. then she hugged me and fell back asleep.. :D she's cute when she sleeps.. but she's smelly she farts.. but she didn't fart just now.. just saying.. and cartoons are weird... aaaand Jean loves me a lot.. which is good cuz I love HER a lot.. :D so it all works out.. I'm mad tho.. cuz there's a REAL light pink tint to my tv.. which.. I'm trying to figure out why.. anyway.. all for now.. fuck off
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candy apple green intrepid??? [Jul. 22nd, 2004|11:23 pm]
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]

HA! Ha Ha! HA! :ahem: ok.. figure I needed to get around to this someday.. I think.. that.. this girl.. well.. to be more specific.. JEAN.. might be getting tired of me? but.. perhaps not.. she's getting bored a lot lately.. but I think it's cuz she always hangs out with me.. since I haven't been working the past week she hasn't hung out with anyone but me.. and then she goes to work tomorrow.. so the past few days I'm thinking were boring because all she saw was me.. and I'm not very exciting.. but on a higher note.. I think I found my new car :D I'm going to the dealership tomorrow to see what/if we can agree on.. it's a 2001 Dodge Intrepid.. one hott peice of ass .. anyway.. don't be fooled.. it's factory gold, not candy apple green.. if I painted it however... it still wouldn't be candy apple green.. cuz.. if you know what an intrepid looks like.. green would just not work... maybe.. cherry red? or.. platinum? black is overplayed.. I'll go with plat.. or a half'n'half design.. we'll see what happens tomorrow.. before I go overboard.. :D SpiderMan 2[lamest title ever] has been out for a while now.. and Jean doesn't wanna see it.. and I've got diarhea or somethin.. wtf.. I've crapped like twice in the last hour.. I gotta stop eating port of subs.. everytime I eat port of subs.. I get this crap[no pun intended] but I think it's the peppers.. seriously.. hmm.. I got a new Bigscreen tv.. well.. it's old.. but it was free.. I have a little adjusting to do with the color guns.. Jean mentioned it's a lil not perfectly clear.. so I'll have to refocus 'em when I get some time.. well I have time now but I'm writing this since I haven't updated in the past few years.. my dad's an asshole.. my stepfather2B.. is an anal old prick that treats me like shit and complains about everything I do and gets mad at my mom whenever she does something for me financially.. sorry I ain't perfect like his wonderful children.. but oh well.. fuck him.. I only deal with my mom since he has nothing to say to me directly.. I have to hear everything from my mom.. all I ever hear is "gary's complaining about this.." and "gary's complaining about that.." so ..whatever.. he.. is.. a fucking anal old prick.. rotten bastard.. I love Jean.. :D she's amazing.. and she's super hott too.. she doesn't see it.. but when I look at her I almost need a towel[if ya know what I mean..] so yeah.. :D she's perfect.. inside AND out.. I bet even her liver is hott.. so anyway.. what's up in my life?? NOTHING!!! I got a higher paying job.. and school starts next month.. HOORAY!!! hell no.. this sucks! the only good things are Jean, cartoons, and video games.. everything else sucks ass.. seriously.. so I'm gonna end this entry.. cuz everything sucks and I don't feel like going into detail.
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It's too early for this.. [Jun. 12th, 2004|03:51 am]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |The Scooby Doo Movies]


Main Entry: gran·dil·o·quence
Pronunciation: gran-'di-l&-kw&n(t)s
Function: noun
Etymology: probably from Middle French, from Latin grandiloquus using lofty language, from grandis + loqui to speak
: a lofty, extravagantly colorful, pompous, or bombastic style, manner, or quality especially in language
- gran·dil·o·quent /-kw&nt/ adjective
- gran·dil·o·quent·ly adverb

wow.. I haven't posted in like a month.. k.. a few weeks.. like 2.. maybe almost 3.. does anyone know? I guess I could check the dates but really.. who does that anymore? and.. I just came across the SOAD: Toxicity album that my PERFECT girlfriend for some sick twisted reason decided to give me cuz she said she doesn't listen to it which is a lie cuz she just knew I liked the cd.. it's a good CD tho.. I'm not gonna say it outshined the first CD.. it did.. but I'm not gonna say it.. I've gotten used to the van.. and gas prices are going down.. so I just might be in luck.. I'd really like to get an air-ride suspension.. basic package.. adjustable to lower 2 inches.. not bad right? I wanna completely change out the grill and the gauge faces.. I wanna get a blue thing goin on inside.. I'm gonna scrub the carpets.. I was thinkin of layin a black[w/ design] throw rug down.. but we'll see later down the road.. I wanna go with a new chevy grill.. if not that.. then a custom grill.. and I mean uber custom.. crafted completed by me.. cuz personally.. I like the look of the mesh grills.. but they're not mesh.. speed grills? uhh.. hang on aww screw it.. I'll say a mesh grill.. I don't feel like hunting down the actual name of the style.. but I was thinkin MAKE my own mesh grill.. it'll hide the headlights until I turn them on :D... then get some rally lights.. I need to find a site with light bars tho.. I don't know if there's some other name for them? light rack? Iunno.. anyway.. the thing that goes on ur grill.. and lotsa people have the lights mounted to those.. anyway.. with time comes knowledge.. I wanna do a motor swap, tranny swap, new exhaust system.. who needs a 5.9 liter V8 for everyday driving? psh.. c'mon now.. how about a blow V6.. completely rebuilt for performance? a drag van.. how's that sound? cut the rear fender and get a.. uhh.. dually cover? what or those ever called? dually fender? anyway.. get a wider rear fender and mold it to my running boards.. get some wide rear tires... hmm.. kinda hard to envision.. how about 17" rims wiiiith.. medium profile tires.. let's be logical.. if a lil honda can run down low profile tires in about 3 months.. imagine what a van can do.. so medium profile.... not sure what to do about rims.. :) we'll look and see what's available.. jesus.. can u believe it's 4 in the morning.. I've been cleaning my room since like 11.. but I got ADD real bad so I keep gettin side tracked.. and my arm is REALLY fucking sore and I.. what's the word......... have no fucking clue why? yeah that works.. my life in a nutshell: FUCK YOU SEARS... no pay + no hours = no long term employees.. it's bizarre.. everyone who's been there's for like 5 years+ tells me how sears has just gone seriously downhill in the past few years.. figures right? soon as I get hired on.. everything is homo.. we don't even have a manager at the warehouse for now.. it's just 4 new guys tryin to get the job done.. by "the job" I mean getting the merchandise shelved, organized, keeping the place clean.. which isn't happening.. I'm trying to use Dave's[my boss who quit] ideas.. along with a few temporary ideas of my own.. cuz.. the one thing I wanna see.. just once.. is that warehouse actually neat.. but at the same time.. with the way things are going.. I don't know if I wanna be there long enough to actually witness it.. anyway.. we've talked about my car.. and my job.. now.. the most important part of my life.. Jean :) what is life without love?[don't expect an answer.. it was a rhetorical question..] we had a good weekend I think.. we went to circus circus where I spent over $10 and have nothing to show.. almost won a cookie monster but it fell at the last second they need to tighten those claws just a lil bit.. cuz honstely.. do you think they're worth the money people spend trying to get them out of the machine? and we saw Garfield: The Movie... horrible.. 2 thumbs down.. they weren't loyal to the cartoon/comic strip at all.. it had a few funny MOMENTS.. not parts.. just a couple.. seriously like 3... maybe 5.. parts that made you crack a smile.. but.. the casted the wrong guy for john Arbuckle.. Nermal was WAY WAY WAY off.. Odie should have been CGI.. who the hell decided to put Jennifer Love Hewitt in this movie has partial, possibly full blown, mental retardation.. whoever even made a role for her to play.. I'm not saying she's a bad actress I'm just staying make the Garfield movie.. at least something like Garfield.. oh well.. at least they did a good job with the actual character of Garfield in the movie.. since everything else was wrong.... but.. then we saw The Day After Tomorrow.. which.. is a pretty intense movie.. reminds me of a couple nightmares I've had.. crazy stuff.. you might think it'd be like The Core.. or other films like that.. but you're wrong.. it's a pretty good movie.. I don't know if there was a lesson in the movie? or.. a real story line? no real.. cause and effect or anything.. it was just.. lotsa bad weather.. and all the main characters survived.. [yay.] couldn't at least one have died tho?? fuckin' hollywood.. I think everyone should have died and the Earth become a baron wasteland.. except the guys in space they can live.. but everyone else... [thpppp.] «-- BTW that's the sound when u make the fart noise with ur tongue.. just so we're all on the same track.. I've realized me and Jean don't do much.. I'm not bored with it or her or anything.. but I always wanted to do stuff... take her out.. etc..I still have $200 I can spend freely[BWaHAHHAhHhaHhHahHhahHA!!!!] but shhhh.. she doesn't know that.. my goal is to stay over $1000 so I can pay for the school year.. well.. semester.. wtf.. but I can make back whatever I lose before the next semester.... and.. the one after that.. and the one after that.. and so on until I go absolutely fucking insane.. maybe I should go to CCNN next semester? I'll see how I like TMCC.. and if I look at myself and say DUDE!! THIS SUCKS!!! which I don't usually say once I've settled in.. then I'll look around.. but.. yeah.. it'd be kinda nice to know math and english y'no? I mean I know basic stuff.. and I try to expand my personal vocabulary.. but it's tough.. and I feel dumb a lot.. so yeah.. it'll be good.. and what else.. Jean.. I love Jean.. I love Jean in Jeans[sorry.. I had to say it..] and what else? no that's really it.. I love Jean.. everything else in the world sucks.. soooo I LOVE JEAN!!! HOORAY!!!.. hey there's an orange cat on my bed, how very queer.. and how come when u call someone queer they get all offended.. I said to this guy "ur one queer fella" and he got all pissed off.. not my fault people are fuckin' strange.. what the hell.. y'no? anyway.. thingd are good with Jean.. I think.. you'd have to ask her.. MY opinion is things are good.. great actually.. :) I wish.. there was a way.. I could show her.. but how do you show love? roses? gifts? material items? I did real good for x-mas last year I thought.. as far as material things.. but how do you really show it? in making love? in how you look at them? cuz I try.. but I just don't feel like I'm getting my full message across.. oh well.. :) with time comes knowledge.. so I'll figure it out.. I have plenty of time.. I gotta finish cleaning my room now so.. bye
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Mantii Have Feelings Too... [May. 20th, 2004|10:58 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Hatebreed - "Call for Blood"]


Main Entry: 1cough
Pronunciation: 'kof
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from (assumed) Old English cohhian; akin to Middle High German kuchen to breathe heavily
intransitive senses
1 : to expel air from the lungs suddenly with an explosive noise
2 : to make a noise like that of coughing
transitive senses : to expel by coughing -- often used with up

.I'm gonna be honest.. sometimes I just don't know any more.. maybe I'm going nuts.. maybe I'm calming down? maybe I'm ignorant of something and I'm just not realizing it.. hmm.. oh well.. maybe.. this is like the down.. that leads to the up.. cuz that's life right? one big loopy rollercoaster.. car go up.. car go down.. my baby Jean's been calling me stupid a lot lately.. I know she doesn't mean anything by it.. but I've figured out.. it's true.. I AM stupid.. and i'm half tempted to keep the van.. but I'm not sure.. cuz it'd be fun.. if I could go camping JUST ONCE.. it'd all be worth it.. y'no? but.. yeah.. who knows what summer will hold.. I ran into a friend I haven't seen in days, my old buddy Angel.. and I guess my OTHER buddy shane.. BTW.. Angel is semi-dating Shane's cousin Mike.. and Angel recently.. well a few months ago.. had Mike's baby.. ok.. ONE OF Mike's babies.. he's got several.. I think 4 counting the new one.. don't tge the wrong idea.. still only dating after 4 kids? not quite.. see.. Mike.. has 4 kids.. I think they're all with diff girls or maybe 2 are actually with one.. I forget now.. but he stays in touch and in a dad to them so don't think he's a player or nothin'.. he's actually got a really good reason for being the way he is.. but that's got nothing to do with anything.. so.. sometimes.. I wonder about my baby.. I dunno how she feels sometimes.. I mean I do.. but.. yeah.. I'm bad with money.. I was raised practically not caring about it at all.. so I'm trying to get over this now.. and it.. just pisses off Jean to no extent... everytime I spend a dime.. I know it pisses her off cuz I have way to much I need to save for.. I have too many expenses now and coming to just spend freely.. and I know that.. but I'm doing really good lately.. not spending much except I bought a little McD's recently and I didn't spend a whole lot at Marine World.. since all I actually paid for was pictures :D fun pictures mind you.. but yeah.. pictures at Marine World are f**king expensive.. and then gas.. which.. a lot of money will be going to depending if I keep it or not.. we'll see right? anyhow.. hey there's green fire on tv? awkward.. anyway.. I dunno.. I miss my baby.. and I never wanna lose her.. I think about that a lot.. I don't know if I could get along without her.. there's just so much.. I.. deal with my BS all day knowing that at the end of it all I have her.. even if I can't go see her.. I can talk to her.. or think about her and be happy that I have someone who cares about me.. especially as much as she does.. I really do love her.. she.. is.. everything good in my life.. everything truly honestly good.. my life would literally be shit without her in it.. I don't wanna get ahead of myself and ask if anyone else can hear the wedding bells.. but.. it's a nice thought.. I've never felt the way I feel about her before.. I've never felt the comfort, I've never felt.. the feelings.. this love.. the happiness she brings.. warm goodness just emanates from her body.. she's.. amazing.. the most beautiful.. the most real.. the.. most amazing girl in the whole world :) and somehow I managed to get her.. good people are rewarded.. so.. I must be on the top of the list :) anyway.. I s'pose that's all [adult swim.] is coming on soon and I gotta keep with my nightly ritual and go make 3 cordogs :) k.. seeya.

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With great paychecks come great... toys.. [May. 17th, 2004|08:50 am]
[mood |contentcontent]


Main Entry: log·ic
Pronunciation: 'lä-jik
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English logik, from Middle French logique, from Latin logica, from Greek logikE, from feminine of logikos of reason, from logos reason -- more at LEGEND
1 a (1) : a science that deals with the principles and criteria of validity of inference and demonstration : the science of the formal principles of reasoning (2) : a branch or variety of logic (3) : a branch of semiotic; especially : SYNTACTICS (4) : the formal principles of a branch of knowledge b (1) : a particular mode of reasoning viewed as valid or faulty (2) : RELEVANCE, PROPRIETY c : interrelation or sequence of facts or events when seen as inevitable or predictable d : the arrangement of circuit elements (as in a computer) needed for computation; also : the circuits themselves
2 : something that forces a decision apart from or in opposition to reason
- lo·gi·cian /lO-'ji-sh&n/ noun

.Well... I've decided $7.40/hr just isn't enough to make me happy.. job wise at least.. and since I have a little experience now.. I have a better chance at finding work at other higher paying warehouses.. and they all seem to pay over $9/hr.. which.. is a damn fine raise from what I'm making now.. so.. if I can find one.. and work fulltime through the summer.. then I'll be able to afford a Ford F150 Supercab Flareside.. and since the most current bodystyle has been in use since 1998.. then I figure I can pick one up for a decent price.. and if I'm makin almost $1500 a month.. I'll be able to put a lot in savings still.. see.. initially I started looking at the F150 Lightning.. then I bluebooked a 98 at about $22,000 so I decided to take another route.. a 98 Supercab Flareside.. which is pretty much an un-supercharged Lightning without a bodykit.. well.. I bluebooked THAT at about $10,000.. so about $12,000 saved.. let's be logical.. all the SAVED money I can put into a CHOSEN bodykit, stereo system.. saw a KILLER set-up that I'd like to replicate.. hence the supercab.. rims.. tires.. and whatever else I want for upgrades.. we all know.. $12,000 is a pretty nice budget for JUST upgrades.. but my budget is MUGH lower.. and I know I've talked a lot of shit about Ford.. but that's mostly the cars.. Ford is known for their trucks.. and as far as buyer reviews and consumer report reviews.. their trucks have always been top quality.. so yeah.. that's what my eyes are set on now.. I'll hang onto the van for a little while and see what happens with getting a new job.. let's do some math.. $10/hr 8 hours.. $80 a day.. 80×5=400.. $400 a week? ok. 400×2=$800 paychecks.. 800×2=$1600 a month.. hmm.. that's about 500 more than I make now.. so.. an EXTRA $500 a month.. so.. every month.. $1000 to savings and $500 for play.. well.. not for play.. expenses + play.. expenses.. would be about.. insurance.. on a V6 through my current company.. prolly like $120 a month.. ok.. $360 left.. plus.. up to a $200/mo. car payment.. ok.. $160 left.. movies, gifts for Jean.. $80 a month.. ok.. $80 left.. gas.. bout $40 a month.. so.. $40 play money.. hmm.. wow.. $500 goes pretty quick don't it... how long would it take to make $40 turn into about $3000 for a body kit/rims/tires? and then some money for a stereo? aw man.. guess I'll drive it stock with a basic stereo set-up for a while.. my lovely pioneer deck.. replace the factory speakers unless it's premium.. which I'll doubt right now.. hmm.. but that underseat sub enclosure was REAL nice.. crud.. that's probably like $300 right there.. fudge.. and when school starts.. which is really fucking soon! fuck! I'll be down to like 32 hours/week.. uhhhh.. this'll be fun eh? :D oh well.. we'll figure something out.. if I can keep a decent amount of money going into the bank.. then I'm ok.. I don't wanna have to kill myself to pay for the joys in life.. maybe.. eh I dunno.. I've wanted a minitruck for a while.. I had my sights set on the Chevy S-10's.. but damnit Chevys break.. so screw chevy.. you've lost my loyalty.. hey I wonder how much a 2000 chevy van runs? probably too much.. :D I'll check[checking.] jesus christ.. I don't believe a 1500 is that long.. MAYBE a 2500.. but I want a 1500.. anyway.. they say like $11,225 for the features I want.. it says 8 seater tho.. that's wrong.. it's 7! four captain's chairs and a bench[seats 3] I think it seats 3 anyway.. it is a good sized bench? oh well.. I don't think I wanna pay that much.. I'll see what happens with this truck.. Jean doesn't like trucks tho.. and SUV suck on gas.. even the little ones.. remember all the commercials saying "People who drive SUV's support terrorism" what about all the people with the OLD gasburner cadillacs and the old monster suburbans, or the vans like mine, or the airplanes, or the rediculously huge cruise ships?? what about all those? they use more fuel in one flight then an SUV uses in like a year.. I mean holy hell.. ok maybe not a year.. but damn.. maybe if we stopped all the ocean liners and cruises and stuff.. gas would last another thousand years.. cuz it absolutely amazes me that we have so many othet things we could use for fuel, and we've known for years that we're going to use up all the gas before my generation is 60 years old.. so come on now.. it's time to change.. what if we suck the world dry of oil? I mean.. what if that like stops the world from spinning.. cuz cars use oil to keep stuff working smoothly.. what if oil is like the world's natural lubrication and the center is just a HUGE ass motor? I wonder if other planets have oil? let's drill the shit outta mars.. we already know there were rivers and shit at one point? let's group up a bunch of idiots the world would be better without.. train them for space flight for like 6 months.. then "pay" them a quater million dollars to go to mars and dig and shit.. and since we a space ship can't carry enough fuel[as of yet] to get them home.. then it's win/win.. we got rid of some idiots.. and found out how deadly mars is to humans? anyway.. bush is almost out of power!!!! HOORAY!!! except our line-up for the next vote sucks.. kerry is all over TV.. wasting OUR money.. that bastard.. and.. I don't even know who he's running against.. and Kerry.. man what a retard "States can choose individually if they'll allow drop-outs to obtain licenses" what the fuck? what if you had no choice? what if your family is struggling to make payments and you need to help? what if your parent is battling a terrible illness.. cancer or something.. so you're out of school so much visiting and being a caretaker cuz your family can't afford a paid caretaker?? Kerry you're an asshole.. but I'm pretty sure he'll win.. cuz he'll have all the old people's votes.. with his military bullshit.. he didn't save anyone's life.. how dare he lie about shit like that on television.. and the licenses.. most states will give you one if you're not even LEGAL in the united states!!!!!! this is why I don't vote.. one choice is a nameless faceless nobody.. and the other is a fucking ignorant prick.. Jean tells me I SHOULD vote.. but why? Bush Sr. had a kinda good thing going but he sucked as a president.. Clinton came along next.. and just had too much fun.. fucked off a few country-protecting military projects.. kept VERY few promises.. and was the prime paparazzi target.. so I think he just enjoyed it all.. I mean.. just cuz you got head in the oval office.. that's not really a scandal.. it's just.. the president gettin head from some fat bitch? why was that like headline news for half his second term?? anyhow.. then Bush Jr. came along and almost single handedly has completely destroyed the great name of the United states.. first practically commiting war crimes.. fighting for oil which he lied about and said weapons of mass destruction.. honestly I think saddam was happy with his country.. having his little peice of land.. he knew he couldn't take on another country.. his military was VERY loyal to him.. but yeah.. not exactly one of the best.. he knew if he attacked us it'd be all over for him.. so bush just decides fuck it.. claims saddam is hiding weapons.. sends our soldiers to war.. and now gas prices are going up.. our country is being looked down upon.. we're losing more and more great people every day in Iraq.. and now the latest thing.. we're beating up the Iraqi prisoners.. making little naked people mounds with them.. and POSING WITH IT!?!?! how dumb do you have to be? holy shit.. anyway.. yeah.. uhhh.. I went to Marine World with muh baby Jean :D.. man that place is soooo different from when I went there in like 3rd grade.. man.. the rollercoasters are pretty wicked.. it's like a REALLY small Six Flags.. since it IS owned by Six Flags.. we saw the dolphin show.. sea cows :D freakin fat ass things.. and we saw other creatures.. and we road 2 roller coasters.. cuz everything else good was closed.. but what can you do right? we took pictures.. I found a lil cotton rose[what luck] and gave it to Jean.. she says it's kinda ugly.. but yeah.. she still likes it.. I think.. :D so.. yeah.. awesome time.. I can finally say I've eaten In-N-Out Burger... very good.. simple, fast service.. good stuff :) cept our fries were cooked wrong so I'll have to go when they get it in Reno :D.. can't wait for that.. anyhow.. highschool freshman girls are annoying as freaking hell.. at least the ones on this trip.. jesus christ.. I know jean wasn't like that.. and the females I befriended weren't like that.. it was TERRIBLE!!!! blah! so.. Marine World = good, In-N-Out=good Freshman=bad.. but all in all an awesome day.. and my mom just scooped the catbox so now it smells like shit.. literally.. k.. I guess this is enough for one post.. :) seeya
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How smart do you have to be.. [May. 9th, 2004|02:49 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]


Main Entry: mo·ron
Pronunciation: 'mor-"än
Function: noun
Etymology: irregular from Greek mOros foolish, stupid
1 usually offensive : a mildly mentally retarded person
2 : a very stupid person
- mo·ron·ic /m&-'rä-nik, mo-/ adjective
- mo·ron·i·cal·ly /-ni-k(&-)lE/ adverb
- mo·ron·ism /'mOr-"ä-"ni-z&m, 'mor-/ noun
- mo·ron·i·ty /m&-'rä-n&-tE, mo-/ noun

I've been aware of my stupidity and weak backbone for many years now.. and.. I realize.. that yesterday.. I made.. possibly one of the worst decisions of my life.. worse than doing drugs, worse than dropping out of school.. worse than.. a lot of other dumb shit I've done over the years.. now.. I know exactly why I did what I did.. but I don't know how I let myself do it.. a car.. being sold below bluebook.. asking $1900.. ehhh eventually sold it for $1650.. now if I had LOTSA money like I would had I been smart.. or if my parents paid my way around life.. this would be ok.. it'd all go into my pocket and I'd be like "yay" but I'm very not "yay" because I got stupid.. I was nice.. I was considerate.. 3 things that blend VERY terribly in sales.. so he was able to talk me down.. luckily I got a tip at work of $40 so in a way I got an even 1700.. which is still 200 shy of what I wanted.. but.. nothing I can do now.. my Jean is mad at me.. I'm mad at me.. the world basically sucks.. I like the van.. it's a little big.. but that doesn't phase me.. it's bein' real good on gas so that doesn't phase me.. but I'm almost broke.. with my next paycheck.. assuming insurance and registration and sales tax will be around $500 all together.. maybe $550.. and I owe another 200 to my dealers.. hey that sounds illegal.. I'll have about $500 in the bank.. which isn't TOO too bad ya know? but shit.. Jean I'm sorry.. Jeff[me] I'm sorry to you too.. I'm too damn nice.. I just wanted him to take it.. so I could get the van.. but where my mind shoulda been was "if he doesn't want it.. someone else will" cuz.. someone else would've.. I know this.. every human in the world knows this.. but I.. am.. as dictioned above.. a moron.. a completely brainlacked moron.. priorities.. where'd those go? I had a set budget.. I had a plan.. everything was perfect.. but I managed to fail myself.. I've failed school, I've failed at jobs, and now i've failed at this.. but THIS.. well all of those.. but most recently THIS.. is something.. I could not afford to do.. going down.. I should have said $1750 VERY lowest.. $1800 would have been ok.. but.. I.. am.. dumb.. 3 words.. to describe.. myself.. my decisions.. and my way of thinking.. I'm just.. a simpleton.. I'm a completely and total idiot.. I've known AND preached this for years.. people always tell me I'm not.. but then they see me fuck up.. time after time after time.. I'm.. real good at it apparently.. and the best part.. there's nothing I can do about it.. I believe in learning from your mistakes but when it was a mistake easily avoided.. when you KNEW it was a mistake from the beginning.. when you KNOWINGLY fuck up.. it's too late.. it's great to know things for future reference.. but somethings you should already know.. already be prepaired for.. just.. I don't know.. I a dumb dirty asshole who smells like dust and boxes..I'm mad at myself.. I'm a failure.. a failing failure.. everything I try to do I fail at unless it's so damn simple a 4 year old could pull it off if they were tall enough.. this is a stupid entry from a stupid person who does stupid things for stupid reasons every fucking day.
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It's raining Pisces, hallelujah.. [May. 7th, 2004|11:03 pm]
[mood |nervousnervous]


Main Entry: jo·cund
Pronunciation: 'jä-k&nd also 'jO-(")k&nd
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Late Latin jocundus, alteration of Latin jucundus, from juvare to help
: marked by or suggestive of high spirits and lively mirthfulness
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<a [...] gay,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]


Main Entry: jo·cund
Pronunciation: 'jä-k&nd also 'jO-(")k&nd
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Late Latin jocundus, alteration of Latin jucundus, from juvare to help
: marked by or suggestive of high spirits and lively mirthfulness <a poet could not but be gay, in such a jocund company -- William Wordsworth>
synonym see MERRY
- jo·cun·di·ty /jO-'k&n-d&-tE, jä-/ noun
- jo·cund·ly /'jä-k&nd-lE, 'jO-(")/ adverb

Hmm.. tomorrow is a big day, tomorrow seals my fate.. I'm almost frightened.. but only cuz change sucks.. I'll have to settle in.. and the only thing I'm ACTUALLY scared about is.. well.. keeping the van out of sight till monday.. I can't very well put it out front.. and with no plates on it.. I'm kinda scared to leave it where I'll be leaving it AFTER I get the plates on it.. so.. I'll work something out with the 'rents that are kind enough to sell me this magnificent beast.. and I figured out.. I can make about 4 trips to Jean's house and back on a full tank.. not bad.. but Jean's dad says he gets about the same gas mileage in his practically brand new truck.. big ol' 2500 or somethin.. I'm not sure if it's ford or GMC? I don't believe it's a dodge.. might be tho.. I really oughta take another look.. but the cool thing.. his truck he said is like a V8 4.6 liter.. whilst mine.. as I've said several times throughout my recent entries.. is a V8 5.9 liter..[big muddaf*cka!] anyway yeah.. tomorrow.. I am selling my car.. :) goodbye chevy cavalier.. you'll be missed, you've served me very well, and I'm sorry I couldn't take better care of you.. a crack in the windshield.. the dent in the front.. I won't let that happen again! hell no! never ever ever smoking pot[and driving] again.. it was stupid.. I gave myself too much credit.. and I scarred my own vehicle.. obviously I'm not mature enough or responsible enough to smoke my refer.. so I'll just stay clean and sober, and put ALL money not spent on school, gas, insurance, and Jean.. :) into the van.. who knows what I can accomplish! lemme see.. a lift kit.. maybe like a 3 or 4" lift.. nothing major.. but the thing that'll hurt is getting tires.. I want wide tires.. I've already explained why.. no need to get redundant.. right? so anyway.. tomorrow's it.. I'll own it.. Shane's gonna help me get the shit off the roof and primer it.. maybe clear coat but I'm doubting.. I'd like to clean that.. primer the whole roof.. and go get a topcoat to match the original paint.. but who knows how much that'd cost.. but I'd rather get the topcoat than the lift.. and we all know.. "KEEP YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!!!" yes. but tha factory paint job is kinda neat.. I always wanted a dark van.. dark grays on the outside.. but the faded gray top of this van looks killer! maybe I can get a custom paintjob like that later.. who knows how long I'll even have it though.. the average person gets a new car every 3 years.. that's deffinitely my mama.. every so often she needs something new.. the next thing she wants [she has a 2000 celica right now] the next thing tho.. she wants a honda SUV.. that's not even an SUV.. the only <b>FOREIGN</b> SUV I trust is Toyota.. and maybe... one other.. but not honda.. honda's belong on pavement not dirt.. k? k. so let's see.. a van.. that makes and AWESOME camping vehicle.. :) killer summer this will be! if I can talk Jean's 'rents into it.. CHUH yeah right.. damn you strict people! anyway <b>Mountain Dew</b> is awesome.. don't lie.. you love it too. you know what else is awesome? Jean.. my baby Jean.. we went to a play.. I think it was titles "The Pirates Of Penzence" I'll correct it in the next post if I'm wrong.. anyhow it was a highschool play written by highschool students and performed by highschool students with a VERY talented highschool band.. all in all.. the play was awesome, very few goofs, no MISSED lines.. couples "OOPS"es but nothing major.. play was.. absolutely awesome... and funnier than shit.. granted.. just about anything has more comic value than shit.. but.. this play.. well.. musical.. was.. hilarious.. they did good.. I congradulate you Reed High! did I spell congradulate right? anyway I think my muscle relaxers are giving me heartburn.. how dumb is that? or maybe it's the excessively high <b>Mountain Dew</b> intake.. either way.. heartburn sucks.. if you come to a point in life where you are given the choice to either have heartburn in your life or NOT have it.. I know first hand experience is nice and all.. but heartburn sucks.. don't let anyone lie to you.. just look at the name <b>HEART - BURN</b> sounds almost deadly.. and my eye itches.. :) whenever Jean's eye itches I pin her so she can't scratch it.. I know it might SOUND like torture.. but isn't like bad for your eyes when you rub/scratch them? or am I retarded? keep your answers to yourself.. anyway.. guess I'm done.. I'll put up more details tomorrow.
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Reno Van Club Unite! [May. 6th, 2004|10:03 pm]
[mood |thankfulthankful]


Main Entry: co·ryd·a·lis
Pronunciation: k&-'ri-d&l-&s
Function: noun
Etymology: New Latin, genus name, from Greek korydallis crested lark (Galerida cristata), from korydos crested lark
: any of a large genus (Corydalis) of chiefly temperate herbs of the fumitory family with racemose irregular flowers and dissected leaves

Ok.. first.. that post below.. while obviously NOT me.. if you thought it WAS me you're fucking ignorant and don't need my friendship.. but if you wanna know WHO it was.. it was the infamous[not famous for being evil.. just.. above regular famous] Jean.. my MOST AMAZING GIRL on Earth.. if God has ever created anything else so perfect.. it was one of the roses I gave her.. this thing was gorgeous.. not even cloe to her in comparison.. she's like.. UBER hot.. like FIRE.. hot fire... not like.. cold fire.. there's such thing as cold fire right? there has to be.. I just don't know how to make it.. anyway.. I love that girl.. she the best thing that ever came into my life.. and I think I've known it since I first met her.. I just never gave it so much thought till we ended up together.. anyway.. Jean you're perfect.. just.. in every way.. PERFECT[Period.]good news.. saturday is the big day.. my car will be sold in the morning.. and after work I go to Jean's house.. shower, let her pick up her friends, watch movie that SHOULD kick ass, take her friends back home, purchase van, drive to Jean's, drive home[in my van mind you], then leave it.. [sigh.] somewhere.. wait for monday, get it registered/insured.. then drive freely :D HOORAY.. and I have to go to the doc's on monday too.. crud.. damn you Dr. Nguyen.. she'll be like "ok bend this way and that" "did that hurt" "ok you're all better" but I don't care.. I'll still have muscle relaxers! YES! $5 a pop biotch.. if you wanna OD.. not my problem.. no I'm kiddin.. I'd chop 'em up and sell 'em as coke .. wow that's not UBER illegal or anything.. so.. yes.. my[MY] '89 Dodge B250 [The LandLiner™] will be cruisin' with me behind the wheel by monday.. completely legal.. ALL MINE!!! hopefully pappy will show me if not help me install MY head-unit[AKA in-dash stereo receiver/CD player.. that wouldn't be bad.. and peep dis.. I think the front doors are packed with 6 1/2" speakers.. what does this mean you might wonder.. well.. to ME it means.. I can step it up to a component speaker set.. I can put tweeters in the dash if I don't just flush 'em to the door.. replace the 6 1/2[what I'm assuming is the..] factory speaker with a 6 1/2 MidBass driver.. and be soundin
good.. have my buddy help me hook-up my amp and throw[if I can] both my speakers in the back and hook them both up.. I know they're house speakers.. but when they HIT.. who need a car set-up anyway right? so anyhow.. highs mids and lows.. taken care of BAM!!! tough actin tinactin.. damn you John Madden.. and incase you yourself are a VANatic[get it? fanatic with a V so it spells VAN?? AHHAhH so awesome.] and are searching the web for info on a Dodge B250 LandLiner™.. you won't find anything.. LandLiner™ is an imagined vehicle title taking into thought the Ocean Liners.. basically big boats.. so a LandLiner would be.. a big car. exactly.. so yeah// plus it rolls pretty well off the tongue.. Dodge B250 LandLiner™ yeah don't lie.. you know you've already said LandLiner at least 4 times since you started reading this.. HA tricked you.. k I'm bein kinda lame.. I'm just UBER happy.. so many things I wanna do.. from lifting.. to restoring a factory paintjob, to the engine perf. upgrades to improve performance, power.. not that I need more power from this monster.. but gas mileage.. I mean SO MANY things.. and it's a VAN!! it's something I wanna keep! I didn't wanna do performance upgrades to my lil cavalier.. it's a great car it really is.. and I'm a fan of domestic cars.. but I didn't want a lil ricer.. whether it sounded like a lawnmower or not.. I want.. a beast.. but not a truck.. everyone has a truck.. now.. I've seen lifted vans.. we all have.. but they're always.. passenger vans.. cargo vans.. not... family vans :) this thing is family van to the max.. and I want it sittin at least 3 feet off the ground.. I don't need a SkyJacker® Super Lift or anything.. just a lift.. and wider tires to enlarge my footprint and add to it's cornering abilities.. we all know vans are topheavy.. and don't like corners.. so a wider wheelbase will help that.. maybe a roll cage but do I really need to take it that far.. anyway.. hooray for Jeff.. saturday's gonna rock.. hopefully.. and sunday will be cool but baby has to study so we'll see what happens.. aaand what else.. hey maybe if Sean still stops by I can show him the monster.. I mean a MONSTER.. balls to the extreme MAN! V8 5.9 Liter.. this monster is no freakin joke.. acceleration up the ass.. CEPT.. a shitfor-topspeed.. the spedometer only goes up to 80.. I don't know when I'll honestly need to GO 80mph.. but.. stranger things have happened.. you can't outrun a cop cruiser in a van.. this isn't theory.. this is fact.. soo.. I'll stick to the speed limits :D.. anyway.. enough for this post.. keep on Vannin'
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hello [May. 5th, 2004|05:17 pm]
sad: verb, adjective, noun..whatever. okay not a noun...SHUT UP WHATEVA. yea...i'm sad because my girlfriend calls me ugly about 20 times a day and my feet smell bad. Hey, it's not my fault that they are stuck under TWO socks mind you, TWO, all day and then crammed into a[n] airless leather shoe. It doesn't breathe, you would stink too if you were stuck under something that wouldn't let your skin breath. Like that outfit that britney spears wore in her Oops! video. Yea..i noticed. O.o weirdo. are you getting a new car? no. but i almost am. YAY +)
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